A Meu Ver!

Aquarius boy

Long time no see, huh? Last post was in January?

So, let's start from the beginning. Back in November when I was still really involved and "going out" with the Swedish guy from NY. Before going there to spend his birthday with him, throwing up due an anxiety attack and going to a club for nothing; I received a message on Tumblr, my reaction was to roll my eyes up, because that's me and that's what I do, but sometimes I try to behave like mom told to and be polite, so I did it, answered  this guy message and it all started. 

He is Aquarius like me, from Los Angeles and 11 years older than me. I replied and he sent another message, we started messaging until we move to e-mail because the messages were so long that it was necessary to send it in two parts. That happened a few days before going to New York. That trip was crazy, the hotel we book was a shitty trap, we moved hotels, the Swedish guy is a prick and I was over him before the date ended. Then I started talking to the Aquarius boy every day, he went to New York too after a few days and we talked everyday, it was about 60 e-mails exchanged within 15 days or so. 
We talked in English and he tried to write things in Portuguese which was cute and funny, because Google Translate messes things up. And we are really alike, similar to each other, we think, act, react and like the same things and it is funny and crazy at the same time. One day he decided to call me, and he did, and we spent 6 hours talking on the phone. 
The e-mails had LONG detailed messages and we talked days and nights. 

Then we moved to text messages and we talked during the day, the whole day, the LONG messages migrated and we talked about everything. He was SO sweet, the sweetest ever. And he totally gets me, in every way, my mind, my soul, sexuality and all, it's crazy when you don't have to explain why you do certain things, why you think the way you think or anything like that, the other just knows! He did all the stuff. Do you know who send the first New Year's message? He did. 00h01. Right on time.

And things were moving. Me, trying to keep the expectations on the lowest level ever and he doing and saying sweet things, the sweetest ever and making me fail on my purposes. January came and so The Front Bottoms concert. And people, you gonna say, you planned it, but I didn't! You know when the planets align, they did, man and I swear (I don't even believe in swearings) it was the greatest coincidence ever. I have only one weekend off per month, I wanted to go New York back in December to see the boys playing but due the horrendous snow storms on the East Coast and the sold-out tickets I couldn't make it. I got my Friday day off back and the next day off would be January. They were playing on my day off in a place I could go with only one flight and that place could be anywhere else in the world, but you know where it was? Yes, the same city the guy you've been talking to lives!

All the time since the beginning I kept thinking "where is the catch?", because that's what you do when you have trust issues... Is this a catfish, or the person exists but is not him on the pictures, why is he so perfect, is this guy married, what's wrong? Came to no conclusions. On the day I was flying out of home I found out what it was and it broke me. So I went to LA, because no one gets between The Front Bottoms and me. I cried the whole night, couldn't sleep, but I slept, I cried watching Blue Jasmine and it was the longest 12 hour flight I have been. 
I got there and answered with the biggest and toughest message ever. He replied. I was tough and then was guilty because that's not how I act. And he messaged me, saying he could try to leave work and we could meet to have a coffee or something. I hesitated, he insisted, I gave in, he came. We spent one hour ever the phone discussing life and Astrology, how people act in Brazil, Israel and United States, when doing things or buying stuff. 
He hang up. I bought what I needed on Sephora and sat to wait for him talking to Cla and Fe. He called and he was looking for me but he couldn't see me.

- where are you?
- I'm seated in front of Sephora
- in front of it where?
- right in front, on a bench
- on a bench?
- yes, on a bench.  
- oh, I think I saw you. 

He didn't see me, but I looked back before and saw him. And said to my friends "he is taller. he is handsome. MAN!". He found me, we huged for a few minutes and tried to find a place to seat and talk. The starbucks near the Kodak Theater was so busy and the only place to seat was on the sidewalk with loud music playing by your side. We found a place call "Coffee Bag, Tea Leaf" or something like that.  

- we can go there, but you don't drink coffee
- *he remembers, I thought*, yes, but you see, there's tea leaf on the name, I drink tea, we can go there. 

And we went. Acts like a gentleman, I must say. We sat and drank our teas and talked, for 3 hours. I talked about the previous night, how bad it was, how much I cried... We talked about work, airplanes, our backgrounds, army, immigration, jobs, my trips, funny facts. How it was all starting and we were seeing each other for the first time, we should take it slow and see where life would take us. And after a long time, he touched my hand and held it, then the four hands we tangled over the table. He was pretty bold and he knows me well, he knows what buttons to push and he did it. I was supposed to meet some friends of Fe who live in LA, they couldn't meet me, I was too tired to go to a club and they had dinner, so I didn't planned what happened later either and it never came to my mind. 
While we were there the world decided to reach me, Fe and Cla, Gabis and my cousin, Marianna. Who started asking things and when I briefly answered said I was monossylabic, I sent her a voice message telling her I was with him and we would talk to each other later, she asked if he was a good kisser, I laughed LOUD and he asked me why, I can't hide anything, so I told him, we laughed about it together. Then my host asked if he was hot, I confirmed, showed it to him, we laughed again. 
He needed to leave, so did I and since I wasn't meeting Fe's friends, I was going home. He offered me a ride, I accepted. We left the cafe holding hands and while waiting to cross the street, he huged me and I felt so nice and safe. We kept our hands together and he tried to pay the parking and get the card on his wallet without letting me go, he couldn't. Then just let it go again when seated on the car after opening my door, but once he got in the car he held my hand again and didn't let it go until I got home. I don't even know how it happened, but we said goodbye and all, I was leaving the car and then we kissed. I shouldn't but I did it; we kissed, a whole lot and we made out, kissing like he would escape or I like we would never see each other again, and deep down I don't think we will. We stayed there for almost two hours, inside the car, even when the whole neighborhood decided to take a walk near the car that night. And he left and I was a mess!

After five minutes my phone rang, nobody calls me here, neither there, but my phone rang like crazy that weekend. It was him, I almost left my phone on the car floor but saw before leaving it and I thought he would vanish like everybody else and I would never, ever hear from him again. So I got the call. 

- hi, is everything okay?
- yes

And he started talking and we talked, I showered while we talked. One more hour, until he got home. Then my host arrived, I hang up and then we texted, until 1am. And he said the sweetest things EVER, things about me, how we connected, I can't even remember and I hate it. Between the first call and thr last message it was a total of 8 hours talking. The saturday was nice, my host took me to the Universal City Overlook, The Grove and the Elliott's memorial and then I went to the concert. It was great, I met Brian (but this is gonna be another post). Went to a club and to eat with my host and his friend. Then went home and packed to leave on the next morning. I lost all the messages because iPhone sucks. I left LA on the sunday morning. 

I got home and he talked to me. On my way to work, he called me and we talked. Then we texted during the whole day and at night he called me and spent some hours doing that. And the calls, texting and all is still happening. We are still connected. 

The problem is that I want more, is that I feel jealous and I don't know how to not expect something. I try, I've been trying to live and take one step at time, but it's though. It all hurts me, but also makes me feel good too. I like him way more than I should, I am not in love, (yes, I'm sure, I know how I feel when I'm in love) and I don't really love him, with all my heart, but I may be just one step from that. I don't want to find another friend, but I just don't know if I'll ever be able to find someone who truly understands me. 

He's really busy these days at work, on weekends we don't talk much and after every weekend the jealous beast in me is unleashed. I don't know until when he's gonna be able to handle me or until when I'll be able to take it all. I don't know how to be super sweet and treat you like a boyfriend without getting involved or to not feel like I'm being cold. And I don't want anyone else, I want him and to touch and kiss him, I don't want any other guy near my body and it feels awful because I can't seat and wait for him forever, we live in different countries and he doesn't have any plans to commit to me. 

I'm really depressed right now because it all makes me think about my life and how it is all wrong and all. I've been crying my life out. I just watched "Almost Famous" and Penny Lane said something I'm gonna try. 

Penny Lane: I always tell the girls, never take it seriously, if ya never take it seriosuly, ya never get hurt, ya never get hurt, ya always have fun, and if you ever get lonely, just go to the record store and visit your friends. 

That is it. 

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